It’s everybody’s favorite time of the year. Well, most people’s anyway. It’s that magical time where people sit down in front of their televisions and watch a man in a suit read names in front of a rabid audience. Sounds exciting doesn’t it?
Oh, I guess I forgot to mention one important element: football.
Yes, this is exactly what the NFL Draft entails. College players from around the country have been poked, prodded and mocked for the past four months as draftniks try to find the next superstar living in their mother’s basement.
Personally, I take a much simpler approach to the draft. As far back as my 300-pound collegiate days, I find a group of people, get some huge pizzas and drink copious amounts of adult beverages while this drama unfolds before my eyes. After all, Michael Knight once said that there’s nothing like watching the draft with a draft. (Insert rimshot here.)
I take a much simpler approach to the draft.
Of course, we put our own twist on it by buying a couple 40 ounces and going to town. Why? Well if you read this column last year, you would know that we drink the 40 like they run the 40. What else would we do?
So sets the scene for the 2016 NFL Draft Chronicles.
6:57 p.m. – The draft is about to start and the first 40 is cracked. Libby asks if I actually bought a 40 this year after accidentally buying a 24 ounce Corona a year ago. I ignore the insult.
7:00 p.m. – Libby complains that I got him a plastic bottle of Mickey’s rather than a glass one. I take it way too seriously. Fight #1 of the evening is about to commence. Libby also complains that I’m using a voice recorder rather than writing my stuff down. I explain that I won’t be able to write in about 20 minutes.
7:05 p.m. – Roger Goodell comes out to the stage and garners Goodell Heat. For you wrestling fans out there, this is similar to X-Pac or Reigns heat. For the rest of you, just know that all three men are hated a lot.
I explain that I won’t be able to write in about 20 minutes.
Goodell announces that the St. Louis Los Angeles Rams are on the clock. After going full Sonny Weaver, Jr. and trading all their early round picks over the next two seasons, they’re expected to take Jared Goff. It’s ironic because “Goff” is the exact sound that Rams fans made once they found out they traded that much to get a quarterback that would have fallen to 15.
7:06 p.m. – Wheels asks what the concept of a mock draft is. Libby gleefully obliges.
7:11 p.m. – On the ESPN broadcast, Jon Gruden compares Jared Goff to Aaron Rodgers. It’s the same take that every Packer fan has due to the fact that Goff went to Cal….and Rodgers went to Cal….SO HE MUST BE RODGERS 2.0!!! #PackerLogic
7:15 p.m. – After taking all 10 minutes to make their pick to build the drama, the Rams finally select Goff with the first overall pick. ESPN cuts to the Rams draft party in Los Angeles and there is no reaction. Looks like a rabid fan base is growing in L.A.
7:20 p.m. – Goff makes the rounds with the media. He is asked if he has the stamina to hand off to Todd Gurley 40 times a game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4MFXKq02l8
7:22 p.m. – Eagles select Carson Wentz. The kid looks like an IT guy or somebody that would write for Cold Omaha. He also has a bunch of people gathered in Fargo in what will probably go down as the greatest event to ever go down in that city. I really hope Philly doesn’t tear this kid apart.
7:24 p.m. – After having both ESPN and NFL Network on separate TVs, it is realized that NFL Network is a couple seconds faster than ESPN’s broadcast. We can’t have that kind of delay, so we put the Network on the big TV.
7:26 p.m. – NFL Network shows the Cowboys war room where there is an attractive woman sitting next to Jerry Jones and Jason Garrett. Libby and Wheels have a debate over which Jerry Jones sidepiece it is.
7:30 p.m. – With the Chargers on the clock, the real draft begins. They take Joey Bosa for the first real surprise of the night. The guy looks like a real-life Bo Callahan and I instantly wonder if anybody went to his 21st birthday party.
7:31 p.m. – Wheels screams “Smoke Screen City.” I ask if it’s next to Suplex City. It’s apparently a suburb. I also hear that Laremy Tunsil lives there. Meanwhile, Libby is inconsolable that Bosa won’t be available for the Vikings at 23.
The guy looks like a real-life Bo Callahan and I instantly wonder if anybody went to his 21st birthday party.
7:33 p.m. – Bosa is interviewed and is trying to find the words to say to Deion Sanders. He can barely open his eyes. Wonder if he was hanging out with Tunsil. Meanwhile, there’s a man in a suit holding a cup at the end of the stage. Weird.
7:38 p.m. – The Cowboys are up next and taking a mint cornerback would be a good idea. But this is Jerry Jones we’re talking about. Instead, he takes a running back fourth overall in an era where most people decide to wait until the late second round to even think about taking one. But, #YOLO.
7:41 p.m. – Elliott heads to the stage. The guy looks like a Cowboy. He also wore a crop top dress shirt on the red carpet. That’s probably a fine. Blake points out that his IQ of a sixth grader will also fit in perfectly with the Cowboys. A fine product of the Iowa school system…even though he’s from Florida.
7:43 p.m. – The room is silent. Libby and Wheels are enamored with their phones. Must be some really exciting stuff. I mention this and they look like I just insulted their families.
7:44 p.m. – The Jaguars are on the clock and write “Jalen Ramsey LOL” on the draft card. As the best player in the draft, Jacksonville is laughing to the bank on this one.
7:49 p.m. – Libby finishes his first 40. Mike Mayock believes that he warrants a first round pick now and that the Vikings are thinking of trading all the way up to six to select him. Mint 40 time.
7:53 p.m. – Ronnie Stanley goes to the Ravens with the sixth overall pick. The fall of Tunsil is on as his dreams of becoming a top ten pick are going up in smoke.
7:57 p.m. – Meanwhile, the 49ers are on the clock and Oregon’s DeForest Buckner is still on the board. We all know that Chip Kelly loves his Ducks, so he makes the selection to the surprise of no one. That loud laugh you hear is coming from Philadelphia.
8 p.m. – Cameras reveal that Buckner is not at the draft. According to Jerry (who is not here due to a desire to drink craft beer) a couple years ago, if a player is not at the draft (like Anthony Barr), he’s a horrible player. If he’s at the draft (Johnny Manziel), he’s a future superstar.
8:03 p.m. – The Cleveland Browns are on the clock. Despite their recent history, they hired Sashi Brown as their new general manager. It’s a sweet name because it sounds like a move I’m going to bust out at Libby’s wedding next summer. I tell him this and he doesn’t look amused.
8:05 p.m. – The first trade of the draft goes down as the Titans trade all the way up to take Jack Conklin??? To do this, the Titans took two of their first round picks from the Rams making the initial trade to fleece LA look not so bad.
8:07 p.m. – NFL Network finally mentions the Tunsil video but doesn’t show it. Jerry comes through by sending it to me and all I can see is Crying Michael Jordan. I also finish my first 40 at this point, but Wheels is still working on his. Mayock says he’s undraftable.
It’s a sweet name because it sounds like a move I’m going to bust out at Libby’s wedding next summer. I tell him this and he doesn’t look amused.
8:10 p.m. – My jokes on the recording are starting to be bad. The quality might go down from here.
8:15 p.m. – Instead of diving into the free pizza I brought over, Wheels cooks his own. I’ve completely removed him from my draft board.
8:24 p.m. – After falling past the Bears and the Giants, Libby brings up a great point as he wonders what Roger Goodell will say to Tunsil during the photo op….
“Hey, congrats. I’ll see you in my office tomorrow morning…”
8:25 p.m. – The picks are starting to go by faster….
8:29 p.m. – Wheels can’t stay off Twitter. Spoils next couple picks. Dangerously close to being kicked out of the party. We miss Jerry.
8:31 p.m. – A shot of Draft Town is shown in Chicago which is complete with a ferris wheel. Next year will be awesome, as the NFL will add the Laremy Tunsil Drop of Doom.
8:37 p.m. – Kurt Warner gives us some analysis. Strangely doesn’t mention how his draft day went.
8:40 p.m. – Wheels reveals that he met SportsCenter anchor and former WWE commentator Jonathan Coachman in an Augusta Pro Shop during The Masters. I drop everything. The draft is not important right now.
8:46 p.m. – For the fourth time in the last five picks, Wheels reminds himself no more Twitter. He picks up his phone again to see what’s happening on Twitter.
Kurt Warner gives us some analysis. Strangely doesn’t mention how his draft day went.
8:48 p.m. – The Dolphins end Tunsil’s slide at 13. Oh Miami, where marijuana will be the least of Tunsil’s concerns.
8:57 p.m. – The first wide receiver comes off the board at 15 when Corey Coleman goes to the wasteland known as the Cleveland Browns. With the Vikings needing a receiver, we all prepare for the worst case scenario known as Will Fuller.
9:03 p.m. – “With the 18th pick in the NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select…JOHN CENA!!!” This is the 17th time I’ve used this joke. Nobody is amused.
9:30 p.m. – The Houston Texans trade up to draft Will Fuller. We’re all relieved as he has the speed of Troy Williamson as well as the hands to go with it. Thank God.
9:34 p.m. – At this point, Tunsil’s instagram is hacked. Many allege these are smear posts from his stepfather. I declare that I want to see this match at SummerSlam.
9:37 p.m. – Mock drafters everywhere are crying after Washington takes Josh Doctson a pick before the Vikings. This leaves either Laquon Treadwell or Myles Jack on the board. Either would be a great pick, but they could also go from left field. The nerves are real.
9:50 p.m. – Vikings select Treadwell. He goes on stage and says that playing with Adrian Peterson and Teddy Bridgewater looks like a Super Bowl to him. Doesn’t he know how Minnesota sports work? Libby laments that the Vikings didn’t take a kicker.
10:00 p.m. – The Denver Broncos trade up to select Paxton Lynch from Memphis. He’s a different dude as he’s hanging out at a bowling alley. He also has a pencil mustache and some shades that make him look like he’s going to revive the Backstreet Boys and drop some straight fire. The Broncos just hope he’s better than Mark Sanchez.
10:04 p.m. – The Green Bay Packers are on the clock and Myles Jack is still on the board. Despite having a knee that’s held together by duct tape, I’m having nightmares of Jack and Clay Matthews pulling Teddy apart like a wishbone on Thanksgiving. Jack was also considered to be one of the most talented players in the draft SO OF COURSE HE WOULD FALL TO THE PACKERS!!!
10:11 p.m. – The Packers select Kenny Clark. I ask “What is a Kenny Clark?” Alas, in a couple short years, Clark will score a touchdown in a playoff game. Then, Packer fans everywhere will name dogs, cats and children after him as the greatest defensive tackle to ever where the green and gold. I still feel bad for that kid in Appleton named “Raji.”
10:24 p.m. – Libby goes horizontal and we all know what that means. He’s done for the night.
11:12 p.m. – As the draft winds down, I quietly watch some analysis. Libby awakens from his slumber and starts saying jibberish. I fear he’s been possessed by Ray Nitschke. He gets up to turn off the lights. I say I’ll get them later. He turns them off. Then turns off the TV. The night is officially over.
