We’re going to try a little something new this week. With it being 2020, we decided to plant our freak flag and embrace the loose sense of reality a bit.
Today we’re going to discuss two potential absolute best case scenarios for the Minnesota Vikings’ Week 5 matchup in Seattle on Sunday Night Football that would have fans rushing for their favorite pair of tube socks by halftime. But being that we already understand that Vikings fans can’t have nice things, we’re also going to tap into what the absolute worst-case scenario would be as well.
Let’s give this thing a whirl, shall we?
Purple Pipe Dream Numero Uno
The Vikings get to show off their shiny new passing attack, spearheaded by NFL rookie sensation Justin Jefferson. Let’s be real, Minnesota is no stranger to the rookie phenom at the wide receiver position. Having been fortunate enough to have witnessed the rookie season of both Randy Moss (so what if I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for two hours as a second grader after the 1998 NFC Championship game?!?!?!?!) and Percy Harvin (the best player that ever played for Urban Meyer), Jefferson introduces himself on football’s biggest stage as the unofficial frontrunner to be the next Vikings wide receiver to win the NFL’s Rookie of the Year award.
This Pipe Dream batting leadoff in the pilot article feels a little stale, right?
I know just what we need to spice things up a bit. What’s a Purple Pipe Dream without inviting our beloved One Of Us Brigade?!
Not only does Jefferson top 150 receiving yards and record his second score of the year against the NFL’s worst pass defense (dead last in passing yards allowed), but Captain “Did You Know He’s From Detroit Lakes?!” Adam Thielen joins in on the fun with the Sunday Night lights shining brightest, going for 200 receiving yards and two touchdowns of his own.
Remember Chiefs vs. Rams on Monday Night Football two years go?
This shootout between Super Bowl XLVIII Champion Russell Wilson and, uh, Kirk Cousins turns that Andy Reid vs. Sean McVay display of full blown offensive wizardry into a distant memory. After Week 5, the Vikings wide receiver duo of Thielen and Jefferson gives Minnesota all the same feels we once had for Cris Carter and Randy Moss.
Remember, though, that this year’s version of the Vikings has already lost more games in Jefferson’s rookie year than the entire regular season and postseason in Moss’s rookie campaign. We’ve yet to crack open Week 5 for those of you comparing the 1998 and 2020 versions of the Minnesota Vikings.
But let’s get freakin’ weird, Minnesota.
With Minnesota’s 350-plus receiving yards provided by Thielen and Jefferson, the Vikings squeak out a 56-52 victory, which also provides a striking resemblance to a certain matchup between Oklahoma and Texas Tech from 2016.
Purple Pipe Dream Numero Dos
The Vikings prove themselves right with rookie cornerbacks Jeff Gladney and Cameron Dantzler. Minnesota found their 2020 team in unique, seldom charted waters in NFL history when they decided to roll out two rookie cornerbacks in their starting lineup, joining the 2008 Kansas City Chiefs and 2016 Carolina Panthers as the only three teams since 1991 to do just that.
Now, I promise I’m not intentionally trying to twist the knife, but Rhodes Closures have been popping up unexpectedly through the 2020 excursion.
But just like the aforementioned shootout between Kansas City and the Rams becoming a mere afterthought, you won’t even remember Xavier Rhodes’ name after watching the Vikings’ rookie corners have their way with Russell Wilson, Tyler Lockett, and D.K. Metcalf.
Now, this Purple Pipe Dream doesn’t come without the occasional hiccup along the trail, by way of two or three touchdowns given up through the air, but try to keep up with me here. Dantzler and Gladney BOTH intercept Wilson, with Gladney’s first career interception coming as a walk-off pick-six in overtime.
Shortly following the referee’s mic picking up Wilson telling the officials that “I want the ball and we’re gonna score, Go Hawks,” Gladney picks off the former Wisconsin Badger and starts hightailing it to the endzone for six. After a convoy led by Harrison Smith clears the lane, Gladney and Dantzler link up for the final 20-or-so yards, reminiscent of Tyreek Hill and Damien Williams against the Vikings in 2019. But this time, Gladney laterals the ball back to Dantzler for the final 10 yards just so the rookie Gladney can get a head start on flapping his make believe Seahawks wings directly at Wilson with the NBC microphones picking up Gladney yelling at Wilson, “Go Hawks!”
Dantzler naturally takes it upon himself to seize full control of the opportunity that’s presented to him courtesy of his rookie cornerback counterpart by providing the Sunday Night Football crowd with his best imitation of Deion “Primetime” Sanders patented high-step into the end zone.
The Vikings rookie corners single-handedly erased Wilson’s early season MVP front-runner narrative by sending him home in embarrassing fashion in crunch time.
Not a bad way for the Vikings to get their first ever victory against a Wilson-led Seattle team if I do say so myself!
This has been really fun, guys and gals! I can’t wait to spread all this positivity as we sit back and relax on this beautiful Sunday morning and afternoon before kickoff at 7:20 pm CST!
Oh wait, I forgot about the bad part….
Purple Pitfall
Despite turning a mirage of a corner against the New Orleans Saints in the 2019 Wild Card Round, earning an overtime victory against the X-Marks The Spotters, Cousins reverts to his usual, cringeworthy ways on the road against a winning team in a primetime slot.
This wouldn’t be our first rodeo of the negative sort with Kirky, now would it? It most certainly would not. While 2020 has brought buzz words such as “New Normal” with it, Week 5 proves that even the oldest habits die hard in the form of his primetime shortcomings against elite teams on the road.
You thought 2018 Week 17 vs. Chicago was bad for Kirky and the fellas? Whoa Nelly, have you got another thing coming for you tonight, partner. Now before you try and hit me with the “Got Ya, Bert!”, I know that the final regular season contest of 2018 against the Bears was not in primetime, nor was it on the road, but we all should know by now that his Inevitable Propensity For Collapsing With His Spreadsheet knows no bounds or limitations.
Not even garbage time can help try and hijack this narrative from even the most optimistic Cousins stans currently dying on that hill. Zimmer’s seen enough from his recently extended quarterback after throwing his fourth interception of the night on the Vikings’ first drive of the second half, trailing 34-0.
Now, you be the judge. Of all three scenarios that we tapped into today, which one has the highest probability of coming to fruition?
Now! Grab your horn(s) and sing it with me now, Vikings fans!
A one.
A two.
