Vikings

The Wonderful Wizard of Zim

Photo Credit: Warner Bros. Entertainment (YouTube Screenshot/Photoshop)

Searching for answers after a 3-3 start to the season, several Minnesota Vikings took a trip during their bye week. Kirk Cousins, Dalvin Cook, and Cameron Dantzler all looked for something they couldn’t find during the first half of the year. To get it, they had to go to a magical place.

The trio traveled down the black ice road. After several miles of singing, dancing, and other bye week activities, they finally made their way to see the Wizard of Zim.

The Wizard of Zim was all-knowing. If anyone could get what this group was seeking, it had to be him. After advancing through the gates of TCO Performance Center, the trio made their way into Mike Zimmer’s office. However, this was not an ordinary sight.

Zim’s face was projected in the middle of the room, with flames shooting everywhere. His voice was loud as he introduced himself to the trio standing before him.

“I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ZIM!!!” Zimmer shouted. “WHAT IS IT THAT YOU SEEK?”

The first one to speak up was Cousins. The Vikings quarterback was frustrated that he was only used in case of emergency and wanted to be a more central part of the offense. With 37 touchdowns and five interceptions in his last 16 starts, he believed he could take pressure off the running game.

“Well, gee golly coach,” Cousins began. “If we could let me throw to Adam Thielen and Justin Jefferson, we could be so much better. Then I wouldn’t have to bail you out at the end of the ga—”

“SILENCE!!!” Zimmer screamed as the flames grew higher. “Our jobs are on the line! There is only one way to make sure we win games, and that’s by running the ball!”

Cook nodded his head in approval, but he also knew the truth. Although he was willing to get the ball anytime, anywhere, he knew that he must be healthy to help the Vikings win. Even when he was available, Cook received 27 carries against the Carolina Panthers while Alexander Mattison received three.

“Come on, coach,” Cook pleaded. “You know I’m ready for the ball, but you have to be reasonable. We have 11 games to go, and I know you want me to play in January, right? Maybe we should mix in Mattison a bit so that I can stay explosive.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Zimmer agreed. “You can have your wish if you just sign this piece of paper.”

Cook looked at the piece of paper and was ready to sign until he realized it was a restructured contract. With the possibility of having his salary cut in half, Cook sighed and felt resigned to getting 30 or 40 carries against the Dallas Cowboys.

“Well, what about me?” Dantzler said.

“Who are you?” Zimmer asked.

“I’m Cam,” Dantzler scoffed. “You drafted me last year, remember?”

Dantzler had a point. Zimmer has been unwilling to play his second-year cornerback. After a rough preseason, Dantzler fell behind Kris Boyd and Bashaud Breeland on the depth chart. With Patrick Peterson landing on IR, all Dantzler wanted was an opportunity to seize an important role.

“I know I can do it, coach,” Dantzler pleaded. “Put me in!”

But the Wonderful Wizard of Zim wasn’t amused. The flames shot higher, and Zim threatened to install the wishbone next Sunday. Then, all of a sudden, another visitor arrived. It was the Great Parcells! Upon seeing a drape in the corner of the office, Parcells pulled it open to reveal Zimmer pulling levers and grinding six different monitors worth of tape.

“Do not pay attention to the man behind the curtain!” Zimmer said. “I’m studying our next run on second-and-long!”

After several minutes, all three players stood around Zimmer and convinced him they were right. The Wonderful Wizard of Zim changed his ways, and the Vikings beat Dallas. Then they beat the Baltimore Ravens! The Vikings were off to a run toward the top of the NFC standings.

In a strange turn of events, the Vikings made their way to the Super Bowl, where they crushed their opponent. Cousins and the Wonderful Wizard of Zim were carried off the field, and everybody lived happily ever after.

Then, the alarm clock rang at that moment, and Cousins realized it was all a dream. He got his stuff together, went out the door, and headed out to practice.

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Photo Credit: Warner Bros. Entertainment (YouTube Screenshot/Photoshop)

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