Fret not, fellow midwesterners, if you feel a little twinge of pain behind your left eye. That itchy migraine sensation isn’t cause for a CT scan. It’s a dissonance in the collective unconscious, the phantom ache of several hundred thousand people in Wisconsin straining to delude themselves into thinking the Green Bay Packers should have won the Super Bowl.
It’s tough to imagine such boozy people ever drinking anything so unfermented as Kool-Aid, but the mass psychosis gripping Ed Gein’s homeland has reached new heights of absurdity. They actually believe, despite all the video evidence, that they were robbed of a Lombardi Trophy. Apparently, the second round of the playoffs doesn’t count as “legitimate football discourse.” This is a prime example of why you should stick to hanging out with Minnesota Vikings fans.
What a mitzvah to be a Packers fan/pretend owner, the kind of person who was convinced before the first snap of the preseason that they had VIP passes to the Super Bowl. Once Aaron Rodgers completed his Kabuki theater of offseason indecision, the very fine people on both sides of the debate in Wisconsin were assured that their moment of glory was a mere formality. Their biggest worry was that supply-chain issues might make it hard to find enough green and gold confetti.
King Joffrey, another famous choker, was pretty sure he’d make it to the final episode, too.
Pretty much all of Packers media spent the season assuming their place in the Super Bowl was guaranteed. A year’s worth of sportswriting focused on how the Packers would adjust their cruddy supporting cast to help Aaron, Patron Saint of the Misinformed, get over the hump of the big-game-before-the-big-game and bring them the title that was basically guaranteed to them, pending a kneel down or two.
The Packers managed to turn a second-round playoff showdown into a trap game. They were so busy fantasizing about fireworks in LA that they plum forgot to beat the San Francisco 49ers. Winning your second-round playoff game is generally considered to be the best way to advance to the conference championship, although, hey, who am I to question the young genius Matt LaFleur, who once coached with a guy who won the Super Bowl?
The Green Bay faithful revealed their profound need for professional psychological help this week as they collectively willed themselves into an alternate reality: the Packers would have won this Super Bowl, the Packers should have won this Super Bowl.
The Green and Gold beat the Los Angeles Rams, after all, and the Cincinnati Bengals, too. So, by the transitive properties of I-wanted-it-to-be, they totally could have bested either team. McVay’s offensive scheme was limited and the Bengals’ O-line was garbage and if you put all the pieces up on a corkboard and connect them with red string it shows that actually the Packers won based on this elaborate set of assumptions that overlooks the fact that they lost to a quarterback who completed 11 passes.
This kind of entitlement is inconceivable outside of a Richie Rich/Succession crossover. For further evidence, just read all the fun Packers writer Packers wpredictions that Jordan Love might still turn out to be a great quarterback after all (you know, despite the fact that actual hot college QB prospects rarely turn out to be NFL stars, and not-so-hot prospects…well, hey keep telling yourself Tom Brady sixth-round fairy stories).
What a world it must be for Packers fans, sitting on a beach sipping Spotted Cow with Professor Pangloss and that lady who invented The Secret. You get to drift off to sleep on a bed made of pretty thoughts: You’ll probably win the Super Bowl next year, and you basically won it this year except for all those pesky rules and points, and when you think about it you really deserved it a couple of other times too, which is essentially a dynasty, so you should definitely name your stadium Titletown.
It doesn’t matter that our own Tim Harmston already told everyone before the season started why the Packers would lose. Or that their win-now window isn’t wide enough to let a cheese curd fart escape. Or that their salary cap woes make Enron look like Apple stock.
This is why it’s better to hang out with people in purple shirts. Vikings fans aren’t going to talk your ear off about how Kellen Mond will probably turn out to be Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson with Patrick Mahomes’ arm. If the over-under on Mond being able to tie both of his shoes is 1.5, Minnesotans will take the under. They don’t believe anything great is going to happen, ever, and they won’t bother you about it. Vikings fans are so shell-shocked they convinced themselves that their shiny new head coach Kevin O’Connell is going to jilt them just because he didn’t hold his introductory press conference on the dais at the Super Bowl. Give the guy a couple days to enjoy himself before he books his Delta flight to MSP, he’s not gonna bail. (Although, I mean, this is the Vikings…)
Who would you want to be on a road trip with: the guy who is pretty sure there’s enough gas in the tank, and when the gas runs out he says that almost never happens, and then spends the rest of the day assuming the car will start again at any moment while pointing at other vehicles they would definitely have passed easily if in fact the car was working? Or do you want to be stuck with the guy who brought snacks, bottled water, and a vape pen because he knew this would probably happen?
Packers fans are certain. This is their year (again). They’ll tell you all about it, if you let them. And if you ignore everything you’ve seen with your own eyes, the story checks out.
