Vikings

What Do You Think Is In Aaron Rodgers' Contract?

Photo Credit: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

Aaron Rodgers is back in Green Bay for another Last Dance. And then an encore to the second Last Dance. And then potentially two more Dances after that. No. 12 has confirmed it in a tweet, although he claims the reported $200 million over four years and other specifics of the deal are inaccurate.

So what are the terms of Rodgers’ new contract? A certain sportswriter has spent the last several days camped out in a Titletown Dumpster, sifting through, um, evidence. It was all worth it because we here at Zone Coverage have obtained a coffee-ground-stained copy of the contract. At least, we hope those are coffee grounds. And we hope this is the real contract.

Here is an exclusive preview of the very specific terms and conditions of Rodgers’ history-making contract with the Green Bay Packers.

Show Me The 

Money. There’s plenty of that. Just north of $200 million, as suggested by early reports, but spread over six years, which includes two void years to ease the salary cap burden, as expected.

The Gratitude Suite

Management will install a Gratitude Suite in the team building, with essential-oil aromatherapy and soothing ocean sounds piped in 24/7. This is a place where all the players can go to reflect on the Zen nature of life, and how you have to go with the flow and let be what must be, unless you want the flow to go somewhere different, in which case you threaten to leave the river entirely because the river is stupid and never appreciated what it had with you anyway and you would never go with this flow ever again for any amount of money because it goes against your very deeply held principles unless, okay, maybe one more chance, river, but be grateful I’m still here. Breathe. Repeat.

The Art of the Deal

General manager Brian Gutekunst must agree to attend and complete the following classes at St. Norbert College in De Pere, Wis.: Life Drawing, Intro to Painting, and Advanced Painting, earning no less than a C- average. Upon completion of the courses, he must paint a Renaissance-style portrait of Jordan Love, no smaller than 2′ x 4′, which must then hang in Gutekunst’s office until such time that he leaves Green Bay.

The Pledge

Everyone in the front office and coaching staff must sign an oath agreeing with Aaron that The Hangover 3 is the best Hangover movie.

New Home Game

One Packers home game per year will be played in Pat McAfee‘s backyard. The broadcast will be available exclusively on The Pat McAfee Show, and no one is allowed to point out that his glasses look scared of the rest of his face.

No Diverging

Under no circumstances is anyone in the building to refer to the 2014 film Divergent, starring Shailene Woodley, or any of the Divergent sequels, including the final film in the series, which never actually got made. Did you even remember they never finished that series? (This one kind of takes care of itself.)

The Cobb Guarantee

The team agrees to retain Randall Cobb for several more years. If the Packers choose to release Cobb, they must install a mannequin in the locker room in full team gear, with a Cobb jersey, and everyone on the team must address the mannequin as though it was the real-life Randall Cobb. Anyone not speaking to the mannequin will themselves be replaced with a mannequin, in their old jersey, and all the other players will be instructed to never speak to that mannequin.

Love Me

Self-explanatory.

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