How did we ever get by before the invention of the term “dumpster fire”?
It’s such a perfect metaphor for protracted calamity that all other metaphors bow before it (though I’ll stan for my grandpa’s old favorite about the guy so inept he could screw up a one-car parade). The first recorded usage of the term came in 2003 when film critic Bill Muller wrote in The Arizona Republic that the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was “the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire — stinky but insignificant.” A pithy line, but he really underscores the chaotic drama of blazing refuse in a charred Waste Management bin.
The phrase hasn’t been diminished despite heavy conversational rotation in America in a historical era that reeks of smoldering diapers and melting Hefty bags. But, despite its commonality, it still really is the best description of the Green Bay Packers’ 2022 season, which saw a presumptive Super Bowl favorite stumble off the starting block, then trip and fall again, then bump into a hurdle sitting beside the track for the next race, then crash through the table holding the Gatorade cooler. To use a non-dumpster-related metaphor.
It’s an infuriating season for Packers fans, whose enthusiasm quickly curdled into disappointment. But the worst part of it is, the greatest rivals, the Minnesota Vikings, are warming their hands by that Green Bay dumpster fire.
Why does the fiery dumpster stench smell so strongly? Because the window was open. This was supposed to be Green Bay’s year to finally, fully capitalize on their MVP quarterback with a refined approach that would elevate them from regular-season darlings to post-season royalty.
But then the troubles started. Really, they started a while ago. Brian Gutekunst notoriously drafted a quarterback and a running back when they needed skill-position players for their existing passing game. They waited too long to lock down Davante Adams and he flew the coop. They refused to look outside the building for coaching hires and wound up bereft of fresh ideas, with a coaching staff so incestuous it belongs in the new Game of Thrones spinoff.
It’s not just the ghosts of past decisions haunting them, either. The litany of poor choices continues. They blew their savings account of a couple running backs — who actually are quite good — then stubbornly stuck to the faltering passing game, only reverting to their successful ground attack against the Buffalo Bills when they were all but literally out of options. They keep letting Amari Rodgers try to return punts, for the love of god. To quote the great figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, who actually won a lot of stuff in her day, “Why?! WHY?! WHY?!”
Meanwhile, a little ways west down Interstate 94, the Vikings were supposed to be figuring things out. Sure, they opted not to blow up the aging roster of the Mike Zimmer era. But sticking with Kirk & Co. felt a little like a placeholder move, keeping things comfy while the newly hired duo of Kwesi Adofo-Mensah and Kevin O’Connell could implement their own long-term strategies. There was a positive vibe in Minnesota, at least as positive a vibe as Minnesota sports fans would allow. But nobody was talking Super Bowl. A playoff game at U.S. Bank Stadium seemed greedy. The Vikings’ most hopeful trajectory pointed them toward It’s Nice To Be Nominated territory.
And yet here they are at 6-1, with a healthy lead over the Packers and the rest of the NFC North. Minnesota even moved up the playoff standings on their bye week, surging forward while standing still as every other team in the division lost in Week 7. The Vikings didn’t really have a Super Bowl window so much as plans to install new windows in the future, and yet they find themselves near the top of the NFL heap.
The trade deadline only further confirmed this Freaky Friday swap. (Freaky Sunday?) Green Bay is infamously allergic to splash-play trades, adhering to their draft-and-develop approach like it was less an ideology than bad religion. But if ever there was going to be a year where they made a big move to bring in a marquee player who could shore up a weakness and help put them over the top, this was it.
Meanwhile, the Vikings weren’t necessarily obvious prospective buyers or sellers, at least not as the season began. Nobody seemed to have a particularly credible guess of how they would turn out. And yet their trade with the Detroit Lions to swap future draft picks for T.J. Hockenson speaks volumes about their evolving approach at the halfway point of the season. Make no mistake, this wasn’t just about finding a fill-in for Irv Smith Jr. for a several weeks while he nurses a high ankle sprain. Sure, that’s part of it. But it was really about bringing in a player who might help put them over the top in close-game situations in November and deepening their bench in preparation for a serious run into January. They needed another weapon to help exploit the heavy coverage on Justin Jefferson, and they got one.
Are the Vikings serious Super Bowl contenders? Probably not. But, in a surprise to the fans and probably the coaching and front office staff as well, they find themselves with an inexplicably clear path the playoffs, maybe deep into the playoffs, and that path is lit by the blazing light of that Packers dumpster fire.
There’s some black smoke hanging over Chicago, too. But make no mistake: That’s not a dumpster fire, it’s a controlled burn, the kind a wise farmer sets in a barren field to make it fertile for next spring. Ryan Poles is smartly accruing draft capital to bolster a Chicago Bears team that has the potential to become formidable, presuming they don’t Bears it up too badly.
And Detroit…well, Dan Campbell, who seems more like the head coach of a cartoon football team, is probably roasting marshmallows over that fetid fire, insisting that they taste great, and force-feeding them to his too-willing players. As usual, we can ignore Detroit.
But this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. The Packers were supposed to be a shiny new cargo truck full of Super Bowl swag — fun hats! cool shirts! — instead of a waste bin blazing in the autumn evening. And the worst part of it all is that this dumpster fire is giving Minnesota all the heat they need.
