Today I, Dylan Belfort, come to you with the worst stonk advice you will ever read. For each Minnesota Timberwolves players’ corporation, I will tell you whether to buy, hold or sell your positions. Get ready for STONKS: TIMBERWOLVES EDITION!
Category 1: Blue Chippers
Cornerstone, Inc. Karl-Anthony Towns, Chairman, and CEO
Let’s not forget what Towns has done in three games this season, much less the rest of his career. He and Nikola Jokić are the most efficient offensive big men by a large margin, and without having to carry the burden on offense, I predict that his defense will continue to blossom as well once he returns. Hold and cradle this stock like your life depends on it.
HOLD IN YOUR HANDS AS HARD AS I HELD CHELANGA’S HAND IN NORDIC CHOIR AT LUTHER COLLEGE. (HE HAS NO LEFT HAND).
The Threesley Co. Malik Beasley, Principal Shareholder
I’VE SEEN ENOUGH. WE MALIKE THE STOCK. When Malik first went public in Denver in 2016, he was known as a bench scoring specialist, but since relocating to Minneapolis and starting, he’s been able to vertically integrate his corporation, extending into defense, rebounding, playmaking, higher usage and leadership while keeping his efficiency. The Threesley Co. is one of my top 15 stocks to watch in the NBASE. Threesley has left the small caps behind in the dust, joining the NBASDAQ Global Market mid caps this year. Get on this bus YESTERDAY if you want to ride it to The Global Trotters Select large caps.
HOLD
A1 from Day 1 Holdings, Inc. Anthony Edwards, Chief Fun-ancial Officer
The IPO for $A1D1 was fairly high, albeit lower than previous IPOs drafted in the same position. That being said, this stonk has held firm like they’re coronavirus customer service lines experiencing higher than normal call volumes. Edwards is a young media mogul with a magnetic, genuine personality that produces dividends for investors. Every time this guy picks up a mic, his investors get paid out in guttural laughter. There was a small dip in A1D1 after the first couple of regular season games, but my advice?
HOLD THESE BEAUTIFUL DIAMONDS IN YOUR TINY LITTLE HANDS. BUY AND HOLD.
Bonezcoin, Founder Jaden McDaniels
If $GME went to the moon, then $BONZ is on track to leave the solar system. Usually, the volatility of cryptocurrency makes investing feel like gambling — because it is. It ALL is — but McDaniels has forged himself into the currency of the future. He’s 6’9” (maybe taller IRL), he can guard each position effectively, and on offense he can both spot up or create. After a solid last eight games, pre-draft investors such as Chelanga Langason have already received a 1000% ROI, but we haven’t seen the full potential of this currency yet, so there’s still time to get in on the ground floor. As he becomes more comfortable and gets more leeway within the offense, he’ll be able to show his abilities on ball. When that happens, the “US dollar” will be a thing of the past. I must disclose that I’m a massive “Hodler” of Bonezcoin, but just look at this peer-to-peer payment network:
[videopress 9qnyUSNI]This is the YOLO bet of the century, folks. Don’t be disturbed when the volatility is high; as *NSYNC says, BUY, BUY, BUY!
JT loves laughing at my jokes.
Loading Corp. D’Angelo Russell CEOh no
Loading Corp, or as I prefer to call it, Loading Corpse, was once a Blue Chip company with a max market value, but since relocating twice from Brooklyn, CEO D’Angelo has found some trouble, operating in the red each of the past two seasons. Don’t get it twisted, this company brings far more revenue to the city than Andrew Wiggins did, Chairman of the Bored for Disengaged, Inc., but Loading Corp has incredible All-Star Level operating costs that keep this company from being profitable for now.
The bottom line is that Loading Corp has taken a big hit. Almost to the point that D-Lol’s company is on the brink of losing blue chip status. DO NOT buy in this dip. Unfortunately, though, Wolves fans are so deep that we’ve Brendan Frasered ourselves to the Center of the Earth. Never sell at the bottom.
HOLD UNTIL YOU SEE A PULSE.
Dick’s Sporting Bads, Ltd. Ricky Rubio, El Presidente
President Richard Rubio has had a terrible year. Everything was coming up roses in Phoenix (Deandre Ayton-0 in the bubble), but then they came up Rosas. Last night we saw a glimmer of what we needed from Ricky in the first half. He can get to the rim. We just need to stop with the midrange stepbacks in the fourth quarter. I know things are bleak right now, but this is the worst time to sell.
[videopress ZpABy6Z6]HOLD THE DOOR through the storm like Vando holds onto Rubio lobs (they NEED to play on the bench together once KAT is back)!
2. Mid Cap Darlings
Vandalorian, Inc. Jarred Vanderbilt, REO (Speedwagon)
Every Nobel Prize-winning economist has told me we’ve got a big VandoBubble ready to burst at any moment. I understand that he has been getting minutes, but Vandalorian is being traded at starter levels right now, and I don’t see Jarred as much more than good energy off the bench. He has tantalizing ability, but he’ll need more versatility offensively and strength defensively for his stonk to take his holders on a cheese dinner for one on THE MOON.
SELL
Big Jelly, Inc. Naz Reid, CEO
Mr. Reid’s IPO in 2019 was disheartening for the former McDonald’s All American talent out of LSU. He began undrafted as a penny stock and bloomed into a mid cap darling. This is very welcome to the Nazheads out there. I myself am not in on the hype. Big Jelly is tasty when Naz is making his threes and eating the offensive glass, but he still gets caught out of position defensively. I personally would sell my position on Big Jelly for more enticing growth options on the Wolves, but for the sake of the Nazheads, I’ll give this a hold.
Soft Hold
J-Mac, Ltd. Jordan McLaughlin, Chairman (Benchman)
You may ask yourself how a player on a two-way NBA contract ended up with the mid-caps. Well, the Meme Stonkers did it. Wolves fans all over Twitter have been driving up this stock, hyping J-Mac since he showed a semblance of competence at the end of last season. It hasn’t amounted to much financing in the NBASE as the GMs around the league view this company as overvalued on the market. I’m about to get killed on Reddit for this, but my advice here is to sell. There’s only so much production one can have with limited minutes (Rubio and DLo will get minutes first, and J-Mac gets a max 50 games on a two-way contract this year) and size (5’11” in shoes). With the production limit, I don’t see any long term growth here.
There are some terrible rumors floating around that I’ve shorted J-Mac stocks. I would never participate in such immoral, manipulative market activities. Short positions aren’t public record are they?
SELL
Nonstop Defense, Inc. Josh Okogie, Flounder and CEO
Okogie’s Nonstop Defense has become Unable to Stop Anyone Defense. DeMar DeRozan had him on a string last night, so much so that he was benched for *Ricky Rubio* in crunch time. Their 4th quarter sales tanked and had been teetering for a couple of games before that. It seems like Okogie’s dealing with a bad case of the yips. We don’t expect much offensive production out of him, but if he isn’t having a stellar game defensively, he is becoming unplayable. If you got in early, now is the time to think about temporarily divesting and waiting for more verdant pastures. Josh has an incredible partnership with KAT, so until he returns, I see this stock falling, and even then, there are much more prudent investments in Minnesota.
Sell
3. Penny Stonks
Homemade Mash, Inc. Jake Layman, Just a Dad
Homemade Mash had a rough beginning to the year, but during these last two games, Jake L has shown that they can be frisky, kickstarting offenses and not making many mistakes defensively. HMI belongs on the NBASE, but I’m not sure how many minutes there will be once Juancho and KAT return.
[videopress JDwFpV1t]Buy/Sell. Sell if you think Jake Layman won’t play on a healthy Wolves roster, Buy if you think he will. But if he plays like he did last night, how can he not?
RocketLauncho, Inc. Juancho Hernangomez, Chief Aerospace Engineer
There’s a lot of institutional investment into RocketLauncho. This provides opportunity that the smaller players don’t always see. Unfortunately, in order for Gersson Rosas Capital, a Citibank subsidiary, has invested $7 million per year into this company. He’s too big to fail now. Double down on the dip.
Soft buy.
Big Tymah Co. Jaylen Nowell, President
Jaylen has shown that Big Tymah Co. belongs with the bulls. His advantages over the other guard on this list Jordan McLaughlin of J-Mac, Ltd. are many fold. He’s significantly taller and longer (6’4”, 6’7” wingspan). He looked significantly larger than 6’4” Dejounte Murray last night too, so it’s possible that he’s grown. He also has shown the propensity for scoring at multiple levels with the ball out of his hands, and on a team with too many ball handlers, this is important. This company is certainly worth holding a position. We like the stock.
BUY!
Mystery, Inc. Ashton Hagans, WHO?
The viability of Mystery, Inc. lies in day trading. If there are multiple guard injuries (keep in mind that this team has ample guard depth), it’s possible that Mystery, Inc. becomes a J-Mac meme stock overnight. Until then, Hagans will have to be comfortable with his company being on the NBAGSE
Hold
Eggman, Inc. Jarrett Culver, Picky Eating Officer (PEO)
Eggman has officially left the mid cap darlings and is headed for liquidation quickly. Before you read this next sentence, remember that I am an IDIOT. I’m currently buying Eggman stock. Culver is making 61% of his free throws, up from 46% last year. He can really get to the basket, so if he combines those skills and adds to his solid defense, that’s an NBA player somewhere. I don’t know where exactly, but again I’m an IDIOT.
Soft Buy
DEd Davis, Corp(se). Ed Davis, Ex-Chair
No one owns DEd Davis stock.
Haters may question why I only designated 3 “sells” on the worst team in the league. Those same haters are wondering why I’m in a spacesuit. I’LL SEE ALL YOU TIMBERWOLVES FANS ON THE FREAKING MOON. Thank you for heeding my advice today, which was in no way financial advice except if you WANT A FREE TRIP ON APOLLO 18, BABY.
