When I was a grade-schooler, I was very good at getting out of my homework or faking like I was sick, especially when I had a big math test the next day.
When I told my mom I had a fever and couldn’t go to class, she’d put a thermometer under my tongue. But when she left the room, I would put it on the heat register so it would get super hot. One time this caused me to have a temperature of 107.5 degrees. Whatever excuse it took to get out of my test, no matter how outrageous or improbable, I would try it.
On Oct. 30, the Packers travel to Buffalo to play the Bills, who are coming off their bye week. This is a primetime, all-eyes-are-watching Sunday Night Football game, sure to be witnessed by millions. For the Packers, this will be the mother of all math tests.
The Packers somehow need to get out of this.
I’m not sure how it would work, but it’s worth a try.
I know that the spirit of the NFL is may the best team win, but for this match, I don’t think any Packer fan literally needs to see how this plays out.
Buffalo is the best team in the AFC by almost every metric. According to Pro Football Reference:
- Their team defense ranks first overall
- Their rush defense ranks first
- They’re first in sacks
- Top-four in interceptions
- Top-five in QB hits
- And top five in tackles for loss.
Josh Allen is playing MVP football, leading the league in passing yards, touchdowns, and ranking second in QB rushing yards. He’s second in total Quarterback Ranking (75.4).
The Packers, well, they have an offense and a defense too!
Aaron Rodgers boasts a total Quarterback Rating of 38.4, which is good for 25th-best, and he’s averaging a disappointing 6.7 yards per passing attempt. But Rodgers leads the league in frumpy expressions and negative body language on the sideline, which makes him, like Josh Allen, a unique double threat.
The mistake-plagued, poor-tackling Packers defense is ranked 16th overall. They are, amazingly, first versus the pass but is 27th versus the run — so it’s clear how offenses have been attacking them.
The special teams is, well, still the Green Bay Packers special teams — kind of self-explanatory at this point.
It seems clear that the Packers should find a way out of this game. They could just ghost the Bills. You know, not show up, not call, not text. But that seems harder to pull off and feels kind of juvenile, so I came up with a list of potential excuses for the Packers to get out of playing this game.
1. Maybe explain to the Bills that the entire Packers team forgot they had tickets for Harry Styles that night. Easily understandable.
2. The Packers could claim their team bus had its catalytic converter stolen, could not make it to the airport, had to wait for an insurance adjuster, etc.
3. The Packers could claim that the new coaches’ headsets they ordered from Radio Shack haven’t arrived because “supply chain issues,” etc.
4. Or maybe Radio Shack package arrived but was stolen from the Lambeau Field front steps by porch pirates. (For this one, make sure the Lambeau Ring camera was accidentally unplugged in case the Bills ask for footage.)
5. Maybe the Packers equipment manager could accidentally ship the uniforms, helmets, etc. to Buffalo, Alberta in Canada. Both cities are in or near Canada, could be viewed as an easy clerical mistake.
6. The Packers could let defensive coordinator Joe Barry navigate the team bus to the Bills’ stadium through game-day traffic, causing the team to miss the kickoff because he failed to make adjustments along the way.
7. Just text the Bills an hour before kickoff. Say the entire Packers team needs some alone time, a stay-cation if you will, and then say “sorry” with that emoji that looks like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If any of these excuses were to work, it might be worth trying to get out of the No. 27th road game against Jalen Hurts and the Philadelphia Eagles. I will have another batch of ideas waiting. Unless, of course, I have a fever and can’t get to it.
