Spring bloomed suddenly last week, and all I smelled were lilacs and tulips. Sure, the dandelions fought with the stinkweed and the creeping Charlie for dominance, but I was sniffing hope.
And why not? For starters, the Vikings took the running back who wasn’t caught on video committing a felony. Better yet, while that ancient creature known as Minnesota Man was studying depth charts and going over game tape, Aaron Rodgers appeared to be succumbing to the decadence of Hollywood.
Of course, we have to guard against undue optimism. Which, as we locals know, means any kind of optimism. It was just last year that the Packers got off to a 4-6 start — enough to induce panic from Baraboo to Wauwatosa. Meanwhile, our guys won their first five games and we smacked our purple lips even as Green Bay fans were scapegoating Miss Olivia Munn, the shapely thespian who was accused of diverting Rodgers’ attention. In retrospect, perhaps the romance went sour, because just like that, the Packers started dominating again, while the Vikings went straight into their customary tank.
It pleases me, therefore, to report that Rodgers is apparently now in thrall of yet another glamorous starlet. Having already used a Politically Incorrect term, I might just as well close the deal: Rodgers, it seems, is sleeping beneath himself. Now, I’m not suggesting that Munn is Oscar material, but I would say that compared to a certain Kelly Rohrbach, Olivia — may I call her Olivia? — is Olivier.
Given the enmity with which Packer fans have viewed her in the past year, it might be ironic that Munn’s new project is something called “The Predator”
Munn is currently working on what promises to be an ambitious vehicle for her many talents. Given the enmity with which Packer fans have viewed her in the past year, it might be ironic that Munn’s new project is something called “The Predator.” But things might be about to get worse across the border. Because the new Rodgers flame is, like so many others, a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I’m talking about Kelly Rohrbach, who is about to burst upon the scene as the fifth-billed star of “Baywatch,” in which she plays the love interest of a character named Ronnie, who is described in promotional literature as “a skilled disco dancer.”
I know: you’re already hooked, right?
At the risk of stating the obvious, Baywatch, the movie, figures to rival Baywatch, the 90s TV series, for histrionic splendor. Good news, indeed, but the best news from our side of the border is that Rodgers now appears to be all in with the Tinseltown set.
We have this on good authority. The journalists at Us Weekly reported recently that Rodgers is getting “weekly facials” in his new haunt, Beverly Hills. If Packer Backers regard Minneapolis as Sodom, Beverly Hills is surely Gomorrah. And it gets better: the magazine reports that Rodgers has “hired Ryan Gosling’s personal stylist to dress him.”
I don’t pretend to know exactly what that means, but I’m pretty sure that Vince Lombardi and Bart Starr knew how to put their jock straps on. One leg at a time and all that.
It just gets better. Rodgers is said to have lost interest in working out with his teammates. Forget about honing those crisp patterns with Jordy Nelson, because Rodgers’ new workout partner is yet another sex symbol: Nick Jonas. For all we know, Rodgers and Nelson are practicing the latest inter-species yoga craze, Doga, with either Chance or Frankie, the two mutts who, in happier times, were shared by Munn and Rodgers.
When I broke this news to Packers Super-Fan Frank Lamping, there was a shocked silence followed by a softly moaned “Oh, noooo.”
If Lamping feels betrayed, who can blame him? Because Lamping isn’t your ordinary crazed Packer fan; he’s the Packer fan. In fact, he was recently inducted into the Packers’ Fan Hall of Fame — the 19th person to earn that honor. And like most Green Bay fans, he’s almost always optimistic. Now, you might say, Well, sure he’s optimistic. The Packers, after all, have enjoyed eight straight winning seasons. Rodgers has led them to three NFC championship games and one Super Bowl in those eight years.
But you’d expect the president of the Lions Club in Union Grove, Wis. — population just under 5,000 — to recoil upon hearing that Rodgers seems to be stuck in that California quagmire. It was bad enough when Munn was going around giving interviews to the likes of Fox Sports. That was last year when the raven-haired beauty started going all TMI, offering up the information that she and Rodgers didn’t have sex on game days before she would add, “I like to have as much sex as possible.”
Here in the Midwest, we don’t like to think about our athletes or our parents having sex. I mean, who does?
So you can imagine how Lamping felt when, having dodged the Munn bullet, Rodgers started hiring men to dress him.
This is when we get hit with the reality check. You might not be inclined to feel any sympathy for Lamping, but this guy has the kind of class Rodgers can only dream of. Because three years ago, he found out he had Stage 4 prostate cancer. Lamping, now 60, was told he needed to go under the knife ASAP. Lamping, however, said he’d have to wait, because the Packers had a game that Sunday, and he intended to be at Lambeau Field, as always. And, as always, his wife, Andrea, understood.
Before you get the wrong idea, the Fan Hall of Fame thing wasn’t about pity, or even sympathy. Lamping earned the honor, and says entering the hallowed hall was the greatest day of his life, with the exception of his wedding day. Lamping admits that if he and his wife, Andrea, had been blessed with children, entering the Packer fan hall might even have been the third best day of his life. But why speculate?
Lamping is an empathetic guy, although I doubt he’d walk a mile in former Packer backup quarterback Ty Detmer’s cleats
It’s at this point that Lamping might be convinced to list some of his favorite Green Bay collectibles. Like a Bart Starr Jersey he started wearing as a kid on the family pig farm. No, the jersey isn’t autographed and Starr certainly never wore it — Lamping wouldn’t have put it on if Starr had — but just looking at the jersey still makes Lamping happy.
Lamping is an empathetic guy, although I doubt he’d walk a mile in former Packer backup quarterback Ty Detmer’s cleats. However, he did wear those cleats (another cherished collectible) when he was named to the Fan Hall of Fame.
Perhaps the jewel of Lamping’s collection, though, is the 6-by-12-foot patch of transplanted Lambeau Field grass that sits in his backyard. Just to make the grass feel at home, Lamping put up a miniature goal post next to it. Naturally, he keeps the grass manicured with a pair of green and gold scissors.
You don’t have to live in Wisconsin to know how difficult it is to score tickets to Packers games. When couples get divorced, custody fights over Green Bay season tickets can be more viciously contested than such simpler matters as figuring out who gets the kids. But Lamping has attended more than 200 home contests since he attended his first game in 1968 — on Aug. 31 to be precise. Being a legend and all, Lamping can just about always find someone who is honored to lay a couple of tickets on him.
Still, that’s a lot of driving, given the five-hour round trip from Union Grove, which is near Milwaukee, to Green Bay and back. But, then, even Willie Nelson isn’t as eager as Lamping is to get back on the road again. In the meantime, you’d think Lamping might be anxious about other things; most of us would if we were living with Stage 4 cancer.
But Lamping says that when he found out he’d made it into the Fan Hall of Fame, the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders. Although he’s living without 20 lymph nodes, his prostate, and part of his bladder, he acknowledges that he’d hate to go to that Lambeau Field in the sky without seeing his guys win one more Super Bowl.
Not that he’s planning on leaving any time soon. His vital signs are pretty good these days, but in his condition there’s just no telling.
One thing you can count on, however: come December 23, he’d like nothing more than for the Packers to wrap up the division title when they play the Vikings in Green Bay. And if that victory happens to drive a spike through our playoff hopes, well, all the better. Because, he’ll admit, “I hate everyone we play, but I have to admit I hate the Vikings the most.”
Coming from Lamping, we should take this as a compliment.
