Timberwolves

The Timberwolves As the Nine Reindeer: Who's Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen?

Photo Credit: Jerome Miron (USA TODAY Sports)

Modern-day American Christmas celebrations are a world away from the holiday’s traditional roots. What was once a simple holiday is now a celebration of capitalism. Malls are packed with people trying to buy that new thing for their families that they hate. Post offices are overrun as people scramble to make sure that thing makes it to their judgemental aunt and uncle in time, so they don’t get weird passive-aggressive texts. Therefore, it’s high time we remember the real reason for the season and celebrate the terrifying, magical beasts that rule the Earth. That’s right, I’m talking about the Nine Reindeer.

The legends of yore tell us of horrifying beasts that would arrive in people’s homes at night. History tells us that children were expected to worship the Reindeer year-round. On Christmas night, the Reindeer would enter a home. The children were meant to prepare a meal for the visitors and await their judgment. If the reindeer judged a child’s year to be satisfactory, they would gift the child an object made of wood or stone to grant good favor in the coming year. However, if they were displeased with a child’s penance, they would bestow upon the child a lump of coal — an omen of darkness to come.

It was such a beautiful tradition that has gotten watered down and misinterpreted through the years. What used to be a day for our children to be tested has transformed into a day for them to be spoiled. But that doesn’t mean that I lack any holiday spirit. I’ve decided to take this time to celebrate the only way I know how — by writing about the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Of course, the Reindeer each have their own unique qualities and origin stories. I can’t dive deep into each individual beast. But what I can and will do is ascribe each Reindeer to a Timberwolves player who most represents them. So, let’s dive in.

Dasher – Karl-Anthony Towns

Dasher, or Daschendhoußernacht, is the original Reindeer. He may not be “the most famous Reindeer of all,” but he is considered historically most important. The legend has it that all Reindeer to this day can be traced back to Dasher. Towns is the “original wolf” on this roster as the longest-tenured player. This team was built around Towns and will go as far as he will take them.

Prancer – D’Angelo Russell

Prancer was the second Reindeer created from Dasher. His loyalty to Dasher is unmatched. While in many ways Prancer is the second most powerful Reindeer, he committed himself to serve Dasher and the rest of the Reindeer to the best of his ability. Of course, Russell has sacrificed more than almost anyone on this Timberwolves roster. The former All-Star has taken a back seat in Minnesota and has worked to be the playmaker that this team so desperately needs. Prancer is also known as a shapeshifter, often transfiguring into beautiful, magnificent beings. As for DLo, his steez is unmatched.

Vixen – Jaylen Nowell

The history books tell us that Vixen was one of the most unique of the Nine Reindeer. His magic dazzled onlookers. He had the spectacular ability to move things with his mind. But, his power was unstable. When he lost control, he was known to put people in danger. You’re familiar with the Mount Vesuvius eruption in 79 AD? That was Vixen. Nowell has an incredible skillset. His handle, vertical athleticism, and tough shot-making can be tantalizing. But when his shot isn’t falling, the Timberwolves suffer.

Comet – Kyle Anderson

Comet was wise and steady. He was one of Dasher’s most trusted confidants and the Reindeer whom he would turn to most often for his wisdom. Though Comet lacked the spectacular powers that many of the other Reindeer had, his sharp wit was unmatched. SloMo has never been a typical NBA player. But his ability to fit in no matter his role has been vital for the team. He provides a veteran presence and a steadying force to this Timberwolves team.

Cupid – Jaden McDaniels

The popularized version of Cupid we know today gets its roots from the Nine Reindeer. It’s hard to believe that people really thought a stupid little baby was flying around wearing a stinky diaper, shooting people with arrows to make them fall in love. People were so naive. In reality, it was a Reindeer who was flying around, poking people with his antlers. Cupid was affectionate, but many people misinterpreted affection as aggression. If a giant Reindeer poked me with his antlers, I might confuse that as well.

McDaniels spends his time on the Wolves flying around the perimeter. The Wolves’ most versatile defender sticks close to his assignments. Sometimes his defense is interpreted as aggression, and he gets under the skin of his opponents. But it’s all love for Big Mac.

Donner – Rudy Gobert

Donner was big, burly, and strong. His presence struck fear into the hearts of all who bore witness to his immense size. He was also known for his booming voice that could incapacitate hundreds of people at once, leaving them immobilized by the sound. Donner was known as the protector of the Nine Reindeer. Gobert is known for his defensive prowess. Though he may not strike fear into his opponents the way Donner did, his stout defense stabilizes the Wolves. When he’s locked in defensively, he’s the best in the league and makes scoring at the rim a difficult proposition for the opposing team.

Blitzen – Jordan McLaughlin

The name Blitzen tells you what you need to know about this Reindeer. He was fast. His speed was essential on Christmas night as the Nine Reindeer traveled the world bestowing judgment. Without his lightning-quick pace, the Reindeer’s job that night would be exceedingly difficult. J-Mac brings pace and energy to the second unit. You could feel that he was missing in his recent absence. When the Wolves need an injection of energy, he’s the perfect guy for Chris Finch to bring off the bench.

Rudolph – Anthony Edwards

The legend of Rudolph takes many different twists and turns in different cultures around the world. Most stories agree that he was the Ninth Reindeer, created when the other eight Reindeer needed a guiding light. Blessed with a nose so bright, Rudolph was the beacon for the Reindeer as they traveled through the night. Wherever the Reindeer would go, Rudolph’s light would guide them there.

Minnesota chose Edwards with the No. 1-overall pick in the 2020 draft. Gersson Rosas attempted to build a team around Towns, but they failed to meet expectations. Edwards joined the team, and Wolves fans instantly saw in him hope for a better future. His electric play and breathtaking athleticism are things of beauty. In many ways, Minnesota’s future is directly tied to Edwards’ development. Hopefully, his light can lead the Wolves to success, just like Rudolph’s.

There you have it, folks, the legends of the Nine Reindeer all wrapped up in a Timberwolves-centric package, delivered just in time for Christmas. I hope that your worship of the Reindeer brings you good luck this year — and I fear for your soul if it does not.

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