Let’s put the “fantasy” back in fantasy football.
If you hadn’t noticed, the age of the geek has arrived. The meek have inherited the Earth, and we might as well get used to it.
Dungeons & Dragons is a game that used to be reserved for nerds shunned by society into their parents’ basement. Now it is enjoyed by celebrities, actors, and common geeks alike. It even provides the premise for the most popular show on Netflix.
Now it’s socially acceptable for someone like me to be a freelance football writer and proud Dungeon Master, and that’s pretty darn cool.
But what if the stars of the Minnesota Vikings were the adventurers headed into the upside down? What characters would this cast of heroes play? What should we “roll up” for them based on who they are on the gridiron?
Let’s get weird. It is the offseason, after all.
And for the record, if anyone at TCO Performance Center reads this and sees the incredible potential of this idea, please know I will do anything to make this happen. I want “Official Dungeon Master of the Minnesota Vikings” on my tombstone.
For any nerdy enough to care, we’ll be creating characters using D&D Fifth Edition rules, and I can’t wait for you all to give me your negative feedback. If there’s one thing nerds and sports fans have in common, it’s that they LOVE telling you how wrong you are!
Welcome To The Party
Adam Thielen: Human Ranger
Rangers are tough, scrappy, and versatile — all words that perfectly describe Adam Thielen. Rangers are perpetually underrated, but they have all the skills to get the job done in various ways. Thielen can fight you up close or blow past you to strike from a distance. He’s the type of player everyone loves to have in the party and is always ready to step up as a leader.
Imagine Thielen as a fearless warrior akin to Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, raising an army of Vikings fans to go into the desolate wasteland of Green Bay, Wisc. to vanquish the ultimate evil! If you ask me, it just feels right.
Justin Jefferson: Half-Drow Elf Assassin
Silky-smooth footwork with the technique and precision of a trained killer. Oh yeah, that’s Justin Jefferson.
Jefferson may be the most talented player on the team, so it makes sense that he’d min/max and go Half-Elf for his race. The grace and ruthlessness of a dark elf, without the weakness to sunlight and the versatility of a human.
As an Assassin, his ability to slip past enemy defenses to inflict critical damage makes him the most lethal weapon on the battlefield. If he catches you by surprise, it was over before it even started.
Jefferson is the type of rogue who will demand a big contract if you’re going to keep him on the payroll, but you’re definitely getting your gold’s worth.
Dalvin Cook: Wood Elf Moon Druid
First, Wood Elves get a bonus to their movement speed, something they obviously have in common with Dalvin Cook. Wood Elves also get a bonus to stealth when obscured, indicative of Cook’s ability to slip past defenders at the line of scrimmage.
Druid may feel like an odd choice, but hear me out. Cook may not be some hippy Druid casting nature spells and growing plants, but he can certainly change his game like a Druid can. Moon Druids can wild shape into any animal to fit the situation, just as Cook can.
Whether he’s transforming into a rhino to bust through tackles, galloping down the sideline like a gazelle, or plucking the ball out of the air like an eagle, Cook is a perfect fit for any party. And his ability to fill multiple roles is exactly what makes him such a valuable chess piece for the party’s offense.
Danielle Hunter: Dragonborn Paladin
Physically intimidating with the pedigree of Dragon, Dragonborn are hulking Dragon-men known for strength and passion. Danielle Hunter is a perfect Dragonborn, with a physique that still makes John Gruden blush.
Hunter prefers to get up close and personal, with the skills to cut down or blow past opposing pass-blockers. His energy is ferocious, and he plays like he’s on fire. And then when he strikes the quarterback, he’s always ready to use his Paladin Divine Smite for maximum damage.
He’s a hero and a monster, and I suggest you stay on his good side.
Honorable Mentions
Patrick Peterson is a Valor Bard. Charming, makes everyone around him better, and is darn good in a fight to boot. His podcast is the auditory art form he needs to channel his bardic powers.
Lewis Cine is a Halfling Barbarian. He’s little, but Barbarians get increased movement speed, and they hit like a freight train – even if their attacks are a bit reckless at times.
Harrison Smith is a Battlemaster Fighter. He’s the warlord of the secondary, and he plays with a combination of technique, intelligence, and toughness. He’s rock solid and dependable like all fighters should be.
Eric Kendricks is a Dwarf Battlerager. It’s the custom class for dwarves and the best grapplers in the game. Effectively making them the surest tacklers in D&D, and when they wrap you up, you are definitely going down.
And, finally, what would this list be without the quarterback.
Kirk Cousins: High Elf Cleric
Let’s be real. A pointy-featured religious paradigm who sometimes feels boring to play because they always take the safe option (healing someone) on their turn rather than blasting someone with awesome, radiant power? That is the role Kirk Cousins was born to play.
Imagine all the times that up against a big boss with the pressure on, Kirk the Cleric will have an opportunity to strike for the killshot and instead take the check down by casting healing spell on an ally instead.
Like we get it, we live to play another round, but we’re all screaming for you to do something more! And when he finally goes for the kill with a spell-like “Flame Strike” and destroys the enemy with a pillar of holy flame, the party inevitably convinces themselves he’s still worth keeping around.
And, despite mounting frustration, you’re stuck with him. Everyone needs a cleric, and until you find your cleric of the future, he’s the best you got. He’s good enough to get you to the end of the dungeon, but can he slay the dragon at the end? The jury is still out on that one.
In the meantime, our heroes soldier forth into training camp. Soon the quest to the playoffs will get underway, and it’ll be time to ready for battle.
So remember, Vikings fans, don’t split the Party. Always check for traps. And the real treasure isn’t the Lombardi trophy we feel like we’ll never hold, but the friends we made along the way.
