Somewhere at the NFL office, Roger Goodell had a problem. Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady had just pulled out of the Pro Bowl. Goodell needed to find a solution to save his annual cash grab for an event that highlights the league’s best.
Suddenly, he had an idea.
Goodell sprinted to the rooftop high above Park Avenue and found a giant spotlight. Amidst the pouring rain, Goodell found a massive switch and flipped it on. The number 98.6 shot into the sky. To the average human, it appeared to be a coincidence.
Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins was stationed inside his Eagan basement. When Cousins looked outside of a room he calls “The Kirk Cave,” he saw the number. There it was, in the sky above him — his career passer rating.
Cousins put on his uniform and jumped into The Kirkmobile. Cruising in his well-maintained 1985 Chevrolet Astro van, he signaled at every turn and went the exact speed limit in the passing lane.
Why? Because while he is not the hero that we deserve, he is the hero that the Pro Bowl needs.
During the ‘90s and 2000s, the Pro Bowl served as the final dose of football to tide fans through the offseason. Brett Favre chucked a football 74 yards from a standing position in the NFL Quarterback Challenge. Sean Taylor destroyed a punter. All behind a beautiful backdrop at Aloha Stadium.
But things changed in the AFC’s 59-41 victory in 2011. Brandon Marshall scored four touchdowns against an uninterested defense, and the game had lost all meaning. Players padded their stats, each team scored too many touchdowns, and fans tuned out of the NFL’s most important exhibition of the year.
That’s why Cousins’ addition is so important. Fans would have loved to see Rodgers awkwardly answer questions about another divisional playoff loss or Brady shoot down Adam Schefter’s reports. But this is the type of environment that Cousins lives for.
Consider Cousins’ supporting cast. The Pro Bowl is the best of the best, with the top players in each conference battling it out for bragging rights. Even if they’re down to their fifth selection, the players in front of him are pretty good.
The offensive line? Elite. The receivers? Top shelf. The running game? Chef’s kiss. Even the coaching staff is a massive upgrade compared to what Cousins deals with in Minnesota. The only thing missing is C.J. Ham at fullback and a cabana boy serving him a Mai Tai in a perfectly conditioned pocket.
While a ridiculous supporting cast will surround Cousins, he also gets the defense he’s never had. Cousins doesn’t have to worry about his defense giving up another score in the final two minutes with former All-Pros and top-tier players at every position. Nor does he have to fret over a linebacker meeting cutting into his 45 minutes with the head coach.
It’s a scenario that is a dream come true after four tumultuous years with the Vikings. But it’s also a place that puts him right next to his people.
Trevon Diggs led the NFL with 11 interceptions but also was first in passing yards allowed. James Conner scored 18 touchdowns but averaged 3.7 yards per carry. And then there’s Cousins, who ranked fourth in the NFL in passer rating but watched his team limp to an 8-9 record.
There’s no telling what Cousins could do with a situation like this. He could throw the ball down the field to an open receiver. He could avoid pressure in the pocket. Cousins could even run into the end zone and break out the Griddy as a shoutout to Justin Jefferson.
Such a performance could put him in the same company as other Pro Bowl MVPs such as Marc Bulger, Matt Schaub, and Kyle Rudolph. The potential is unlimited, like Olive Garden breadsticks.
Joe Burrow might throw for 500 yards and smoke a victory cigar on the sideline during the Super Bowl. Matthew Stafford could finally shed the stat-padder label. But it would be nothing compared to the 200 yards and three touchdowns that Cousins could throw for in one quarter of the Pro Bowl. All washed down with an ice-cold glass of milk.
Such an effort would validate Cousins’ fans on Twitter, who have long clamored about what he could do in the perfect situation. Or it could jack up his trade value as the Vikings could look to take advantage of a bullish quarterback market this offseason.
