It was a Tuesday night at the Cousins household, and Kirk Cousins was having a case of the Tuesday scaries.
His family went to bed and Cousins went to his secret room with all of his accomplishments. He reflected on what was to come and stared at the hole where he hoped a Lombardi Trophy would someday fill.
“Golly!” Cousins exclaimed. “We’re so close. All of our games have been within a score. I’m leading the lead in touchdown passes, but we’re still 1-4. How is this possible?”
Suddenly, Cousins heard a voice.
“Kirko Chainz…” The voice said. “You must find Kirko Chainz…”
“Who could be saying this?” Cousins said in a panic. “I can’t go back to being Kirko Chainz. He’s too risky. Too flashy. I can’t do it!”
At that moment, a chest opened across the room. Inside was a giant silver chain with a bright light Cousins didn’t remember installing. But outside of the theatrics, there was one truth that Cousins needed to accept.
The Minnesota Vikings are in trouble and Kirko Chainz is the only man who can save them.
To understand this, you need to consider the origin of Kirko Chainz. It started during last year’s training camp when Cousins was trying to find himself at the end of Mike Zimmer’s regime. Despite an interesting quote from Kwesi Adofo-Mensah, Cousins had the support of a new iron-clad contract and a head coach who was willing to help him through his mistakes.
The Kevin O’Connell-Cousins marriage got off to a rocky start. Cousins completed only 63% of his passes while throwing for 1,031 yards, six touchdowns, and four interceptions. The Vikings could have been 1-3 had Cousins not orchestrated a last-minute drive against the Detroit Lions and benefitted from a “double doink” in a win over the New Orleans Saints.
The latter of the two games took place in London, and the Vikings had some time to kill on the long flight home. During the team’s celebration, Kris Boyd came up with the idea to put Christian Darrisaw’s chain on Cousins. Thus, Kirko Chainz was born.
“I had never actually put a chain on, so that was my first experience of what that feels like,” Cousins told reporters. “Honestly, it was very empowering. It felt good to have that chain on.”
Cousins’s comments signaled that this wasn’t just a goofy moment for a team that would go on to start 8-1. It was a moment where the team seemed to embrace Cousins, and it allowed him to adopt a new attitude.
Cousins was a different quarterback for the rest of the season, and it showed up in more than just his statistics. The normally calculated Cousins went full IDGAF (I Don’t Give A Frick) late in games to lead eight fourth-quarter comebacks. His throw to Justin Jefferson in Buffalo was a low-percentage pass into double coverage. But Jefferson caught it, and the Vikings followed his lead to win their first division title since 2017.
Naturally, this attitude invigorated the fan base. Fans started showing up to games wearing their own chains. For the first time in his Minnesota tenure, Cousins was starting to win over even the harshest of critics.
But with that success came national attention, and Cousins became nervous when a second video of him dancing around shirtless went viral a few weeks later. “If we keep winning these away games, I don’t know where this is going to go,” Cousins said on ESPN’s Manningcast. “But I’m kind of nervous where this could end up.”
Minnesota’s season ended with a disappointing playoff loss to the New York Giants, but he remained in the spotlight. He appeared on stage to sing with Kelly Clarkson at the NFL Honors and went on to be one of the stars of the Netflix docuseries Quarterback. He appeared in the league’s hype video for the upcoming season and showed up to training camp as relaxed as ever.
Perhaps this was the moment that inspired Fox Sports’ Jay Glaser to believe that the Vikings wanted to keep Cousins around when his contract expires after this year. But five games into the season, fans are wondering where Kirko Chainz has gone.
The difference between Kirko Chainz and Cousins’ everyday persona is meaningful. While Kirko Chainz would run into a flaming building shirtless to save everyone inside, Cousins would stand outside and calculate which angle to spray the fire hose while the building burned to the ground.
Kirko Chainz gutted through a rib injury for most of last season, while Cousins needs a noise-canceling Bose headset in his helmet just to get play calls. Cousins enjoys “high-percentage” throws to K.J. Osborn and T.J. Hockenson. Kirko says, Frick it, Justin is down there somewhere.
It’s a lot like the situation that Charlie Sheen’s character, Rick Vaughn, experienced in the Major League series. After leading Cleveland to a division title in the first movie, Vaughn becomes a superstar and establishes a corporate persona in the sequel. After setting aside his “Wild Thing” alter-ego, Cleveland struggles to find the same magic from a year ago until “Wild Thing” makes his return to save the day at the end of the movie.
The Vikings are experiencing something similar to what Cleveland went through in Major League II. The Vikings are 1-4 and they’ll be without Jefferson for the next four games. The defense is still bad and the talk about tanking for a quarterback is growing louder. The team’s goal of being “super competitive” is fading by the week, and Cousins’ future in Minnesota has never been less certain.
Cousins alone isn’t enough to keep this team from falling into the abyss. But if Kirko Chainz shows up, they might have a shot.
