Thursday night will go down as one of the biggest turning points in the history of the Minnesota Vikings. After cutting the umbilical cord following six years with Kirk Cousins, the Vikings needed a new quarterback, and there were several options on the table.
The anticipation was killing us. The build dragged on. But, after a year away, we found one hell of a time to return with the NFL Draft chronicles.
6:45 p.m. — I am preparing for tonight’s festivities by ordering an unhealthy amount of Buffalo Wild Wings. Unfortunately, everyone else in the town of Brookings has also decided to get an unhealthy amount of Buffalo Wild Wings, so I am patiently waiting for my food.
Scrolling through my phone, I see the rumors. The Chicago Bears are taking Caleb Williams, the Washington Commanders are staying put at pick No. 2, and the New England Patriots are sticking at 3. It sounds like Kevin O’Connell and Kwesi Adofo-Mensah are on the verge of a street fight in the TCO Performance Center parking lot.
As of now, Michael Penix Jr. is the reported front-runner. He’s got one hell of an arm, modest athleticism, and knees that resemble the ribs at the BBQ restaurant next door. Let’s get this draft going.
7 p.m. — I have the food in my possession, so I sprint to the car. After running several red lights, I am home in time to see Roger Goodell get booed like Papa Doc in 8 Mile.
Wisely, he didn’t come alone. Eminem came out to hype him up. The Detroit Lions’ version of The Avengers, including Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson, followed him. Goodell tries to jump back in, and he’s booed loudly before telling people the Bears are on the clock.
The Bears pick hasn’t been a secret, but it has some questions. Williams is a different cat with a pink phone case and painted nails. Some said it’s like Prince playing quarterback. Nobody in Minnesota sees a problem with this and wonders why Adofo-Mensah hasn’t offered the farm to bring him here.
7:19 p.m. — The Bears make it official and select Williams. He lets out a primal scream and puts Goodell in a bear hug reserved for King Kong Bundy. Lions fans, many of whom were born last year, boo relentlessly. They’ll be cheering wildly if Williams turns out to be the latest Bears quarterback to flop.
7:27 p.m. — The first moment of truth is upon us as the Washington Commanders are on the clock. Washington decides to stick and pick and selects Jayden Daniels. He seems to be over his group-dating session at Top Golf and is thrilled to be a Commander.
The Patriots are on the clock, and many expect the Vikings to construct a Herschel Walker deal to get Drake Maye. Reports all afternoon have said the Vikings had sticker shock about a potential trade, but all 17,000 mock drafts I’ve read since February expect this to happen.
7:31 p.m. — The Patriots weren’t thrilled with the Vikings offer. They take Maye, and he’s all smiles. Minnesota’s options are now down to J.J. McCarthy, Penix, or Bo Nix. My stomach feels like I just chugged a bottle of Blazin’ sauce.
7:38 p.m. – The Arizona Cardinals take Marvin Harrison Jr. Charles Davis says that Kyler Murray has to be somewhere grinning ear-to-ear, but he’s busy destroying some tweens online in Call of Duty.
The Los Angeles Chargers are now on the clock, and things could get interesting. Jim Harbaugh once walked into TCO Performance Center expecting to sign a contract to be the head coach of the Vikings, but he wound up becoming the Chargers coach. McCarthy is also like Harbaugh’s second son after leading him to a National Championship at Michigan.
If anyone is going to do anything irrationally, this is the pick.
7:48 p.m. – The Chargers run down all 10 minutes. Goodell goes to the stage, utters a J syllable, and my heart sinks. Fortunately, it’s Joe Alt, the Twin Cities native, who will be perfect for Harbaugh’s offense. The New York Giants are now on the clock, and the sweats start again.
7:53 p.m. – The Giants take Malik Nabers. Another non-quarterback is off the board. The Tennessee Titans, Atlanta Falcons, Chicago Bears, and New York Jets are the next four picks, and they all have quarterbacks. Unless the Jets want to do the funniest thing ever, there’s a path for McCarthy to find his way to Minnesota.
8:01 p.m. – Tennessee takes J.C. Latham. He goes to the stage and prepares to give Goodell the biggest belly-to-belly suplex we’ve ever seen. He eventually puts Goodell down as Goodell motions to an official to fine him to the moon.
8:08 p.m. – Atlanta takes Penix. This is wild. Not only is Penix 24, but he also has a bad knee and two bad shoulders. He will also learn behind a man who was afraid of Kyle Sloter and Bo Levi Mitchell. Cousins is probably in a Kohl’s somewhere calling his agent and saying, “TRADE ME RIGHT FRICKIN’ NOW!!!”
Even crazier? The Falcons didn’t even tell Cousins they were taking Penix until they were on the clock. The odds are very slim that he liked that.
8:12 p.m. – The Bears pick Rome Odunze at 11, and the Vikings are two picks away. There’s no way the Vikings could…
8:14 p.m. – OH MY GOD, THE VIKINGS ARE ON THE CLOCK! Minnesota has worked out a trade with the New York Jets, and they get to keep the No. 23-overall pick. My mind is instantly thinking of ways this can go wrong. Do they take Nix over McCarthy? Do they take a defensive player? Or do the Vikings immediately trade down? Everything is on the table.
8:21 p.m. – The Vikings do the right thing and select McCarthy. Michigan didn’t build their offense around him, but there’s enough to work with. He’s 21, can learn for a year or two, and take over once he’s ready. McCarthy also doesn’t have frosted tips like the next quarterback off the board.
8:34 p.m. – Nix goes to the Denver Broncos, and it’s a fit. Not only will he play for a coach Kevin James once depicted, but he looks like he lived in the same utopian neighborhood that Cousins crawled out of. With his entire family looking like they’re getting ready for church, Nix looks like he’s ready to start the second coming of N’Sync.
8:39 p.m. – The Raiders take Brock Bowers, and his father looks like he’s in an existential crisis.
9:05 p.m. – The picks keep flowing in, and teams finally remembered that defensive players are available in the draft. Byron Murphy II goes to the Seattle Seahawks, and it saves Vikings fans from having to drunkenly specify which player they’re talking about during postgame tailgates.
There are still a few picks before the Vi…OH, THEY TRADED UP AGAIN!!!
9:08 p.m. – Adofo-Mensah continues his Sonny Weaver Jr. impersonation by trading up to get the best edge rusher in the draft. Dallas Turner was projected to go eighth to Atlanta. However, he falls to 17 because Arthur Blank, who resembles a Batman villain, had buyer’s remorse on a 36-year-old quarterback coming off a torn Achilles.
9:42 p.m. – The rest of the draft is flying by. With the Vikings done for the night, we can start to relax. Some drunk Philadelphia Eagles fans are singing “Fly Eagles Fly” shortly before pelting some poor Lions fan with a full can of Yuengling off-camera. The Lions reject Dan Campbell’s plea to draft a pet lion and select Terrion Arnold instead.
10:34 p.m. – The first pick of the Mike Zimmer era is upon us. Unfortunately, he’s only the defensive coordinator. Mike McCarthy was likely watching SpongeBob Squarepants before the pick and has decided to take offensive tackle Tyler Guyton. Zimmer was out of the eye of the war room camera, likely putting in an even bigger pinch of Red Man to reach the type of zen McCarthy reaches in his meditation sessions.
10:48 p.m. – The Carolina Panthers trade into the final pick of the first round. They were 2-15 last year, and you would have thought they were picking earlier than this. Anyway, they take Xavier Legette, who told Daniel Jeremiah that he would be taken by the Panthers with the 33rd pick, forcing Carolina to trade assets to make sure they didn’t get sniped. I’m sure they’ll miss the punter they were going to take with the third-round pick.
10:52 p.m. – Goodell wishes everyone a good night and reminds them they have the chance to break the draft attendance record in the next two days. Moments earlier, he informed the crowd the 2025 NFL Draft will be held in Green Bay in an attempt to break the record for the largest gathering of trailer park boys the world has ever seen.
In all, it was a great night to be a Vikings fan. Cousins got blindsided by Atlanta’s succession plan, and Minnesota didn’t have to give up three first-round picks to get their quarterback of the future. The Vikings got another stud pass-rusher for their defense, and they got to keep their 2025 first-round pick, which could be important if they go belly-up this year.
It leaves Vikings fans feeling optimistic about the future – that is, until the Vikings trade up for a kicker on the final night of the draft.
10:53 p.m. – Zzzzzz.
